What if I'm not ready
by the lights of paris
Summary: The only thing Blair can do is weep. One-shot set sometime before the five year flash forward.


**Title: **What if I'm not ready.

**Disclaimer: **I always forget to put disclaimer's up but I don't own anything in this story, the characters nor gossip girl.

**Authors Note: **OK, this is a one-shot set somewhere before the five year jump in the finale. I was really bored and decided to write something and this is what I came up with, all mistakes are mine. This is really crap, I literally wrote it up in like five minutes. More like seven. I don't even know if what I've written makes sense.

* * *

"Are you okay?" Chuck whispered into the darkness, searching for Blair's hand. He grabbed it and intertwined his fingers with hers. She smiled at the gesture and nodded her head.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She croaked, forcing a smile onto her face forgetting that it was pitch black inside _and the fact that Chuck could tell she was anything but fine. _Chuck sighs, and with his free hand flicks on the bedside table lamp. He rolls onto his side to face Blair, never letting go of her hand.

"What's wrong?" He asks gently, rubbing his thumb over her hand. She has to tell him the truth, she can't keep this from him. She takes a deep breath, _I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. _She chants in her head, her eyes lock with his worried ones.

"We need to talk." She whispers, unable to say the words that have been haunting her for the past two days. Chuck retracts his hand from her's and brushes a strand of her hair away from her face.

"What is it?" He questions, searching her face for any sign of her wanting out of their marriage. It was the fear that plagued him the most.

"I-I can't." Her voice breaks, and her eyes well up with tears. She puts her hands on her face and shakes her head. Seeing Blair so distraught breaks Chuck's half in two.

"You can tell me anything, Blair. You can do it." He encourages, hoping he doesn't sound to heartbroken. He knew what was coming up next: _I can't do this anymore, Chuck. I want a divorce. I don't love you anymore, I'm not **in **love with you._

"I'm pregnant." Blair whispers, she can't look at Chuck's face. They had talked about having children, but not this soon. They weren't ready, they hadn't planned this and then all of a sudden she heard Chuck let out a laugh, the kind of laugh that would usually make her smile, but not now.

"Why are you laughing? This isn't funny!" She whines, throwing her hands up in the air to make a even bigger statement but Chuck keeps on laughing, he's holding on to his stomach now.

"Chuck. This is serious! Were going to be parents! _Parents, _Chuck!" Blair exclaimed, flailing her arms around. Noting the concern in her voice, Chuck tried his best to stop his laughing. Moving his body closer to Blair's, he took her face in both of his hands and kissed her full on the lips. He pulled back and looked straight into her eyes.

"Blair, I was laughing because I thought you were going to leave me but your not and were going to have a child," at this he moved his hand and placed it on top of Blair's belly. "Were going to have a child, _together. _There's something half-me and half-you growing inside of you," He smiled at this and Blair placed her hand on top of Chuck's hand "This isn't a bad thing, Blair. This is a good thing, no, this is a great thing."

"Chuck, do you have any idea how incredibly sweet you just sounded?" Blair questioned, trying to stiffen a yawn. Chuck let out another laugh and rubbed Blair's stomach, images of brunette-brown eyed babies controlling the UES popping into his mind. Truth is, he had been practicing a speech like that for a while. Minus the whole leaving him thing. Once Chuck's laughing died down, they stayed like that, Chuck's hand on Blair's stomach, Blair's hand on top of Chuck's, in complete utter silence. Both of them thinking what their future would look like.

"Blair."

"Yeah?" Blair asked.

"Are you ready?" Chuck asked. Blair sat straight up in bed, her hand dropping from Chuck's. She was baffled, to say the least.

"What are you talking about?" She half-shouted, half-whispered. Ready for what? Did he mean was she ready to have this baby! Of course she was, she was ready to have her other baby, why wouldn't she be ready to have this baby? And then it dawned on her. He was asking if she was ready because of what she went through with the other baby, her other little girl or boy, her unborn child. Tears started welling up in Blair's eyes, threatening to spill.

"I'm talking about whether or not your ready to have this baby. You just seemed so heartbroken when you were telling me about it, is it too soon for you after _you know what. _If it is then we really need to talk because I don't want you to go through that pain ever again. Maybe we could go and see-" Blair cut her him off right then.

"Are you kidding me?" She shrieked, flicking on the light on her side of the bed. Her eyes were wide with disbelief and her eyelashes were wet with salty tears. She shook her head, her curls bouncing up and down.

"I'm fine. I just, I don't, I can't," Her voice started to break and the tears fell from her eyes, they traveled down her face and onto her lips. "I don't want to kill this baby too." She finally whispered once she had found her voice.

"You didn't kill the other baby, Blair. It was just a tragic accident." He whispered back, taking her face in his hands, and forcing her to look him straight in the eye.

"What if it wasn't?" Blair questioned softly, she took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice.

"What if it wasn't, Chuck?" She asked again, louder and more steady this time.

"It was just a very tragic accident, Blair. That's all, nothing more. Okay." He states, pulling her into a tight embrace. The tears come quicker now, each one she sheds, she sheds for her lost child. Her child that would be two and a half, her little baby. What if Chuck's right and she's not ready? What if she wasn't ready then either but what if she loses this child as well. She can't go through that pain again, the pain of knowing you'll never hold him or her in your arms, the pain of knowing you'll never see them take their first steps, say their first word, the pain of knowing that you won't get to watch them go up, won't be there for their first heartbreak, won't be there to comfort them, won't be there to take them to their first day of school. The only thing Blair can do is weep, she wouldn't be able to do that for her first child but she sure as hell would be able to do it for this child. She would make sure of it.


End file.
